I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
