I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
How does one acquire holy water?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
