The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
