New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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