he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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