if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
