Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
