It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
