If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
