Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
