when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
