I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
