I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
