Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
