I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
People in love make me want to vomit
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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