Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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