1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I bet he comes in French.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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