Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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