Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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