I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
