I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
