apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
