I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
