I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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