i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
