I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
