I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
