I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
