i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
