Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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