I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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