so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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