im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
