tonight lets celebrate not being married
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
