Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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