She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
This baby is an asshole
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
