Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
