Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
