I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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