Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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