I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
