why didn't you poke me back
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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