I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
