either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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