Your face is a jimmy john
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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