I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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