he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
