True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
