This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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