i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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