Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
