So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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