I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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