i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
