I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
